Rape isn’t about uncontrollable sexual desire. You only have to listen in on a Call of Duty game to see that. When that kid crows, “I raped you!”, he’s not calling the other guy sexy; he’s saying he defeated him, dominated him, humiliated him. That’s what rape is about, and that should scare you.
Time. It’s funny how life can change pace without noticing the days melt into night. In a week’s time I’ve been able to do more to get my life together than I have since I returned from my study abroad in December. For some reason I thought my time away would give me some kind of clarity or new vision of the world. As grateful and fun as my experience was, it sort of made my world blend into any other day and my future even blurrier.
For about 5 months I floated through my days at home and school wondering if I was content with what I was doing, if working hard was worth the effort, if I would ever attain whatever it was I was working for. I couldn’t understand myself. I was to graduate with my bachelor’s degree, create a thesis and use what I learned about myself and the world in my travels to create a little umph in the (more like my) world. I did it all, but I wasn’t satisfied. I applied for graduate school, got in. I had sleepless nights, finished my thesis, presented on it, and received recognition for it. I was to take on an internship writing copy for a reputable website for social justice and food, but I didn’t want it enough so I let it go. I stayed at an internship site that I no longer grew at, letting myself bask in the mundane. I hoped spontaneity and debauchery would help fill the void, but i should know better by now. Walking the stage at graduation, traveling to Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand — that helped a little. It felt like I was me, living my life, being in the present moment. Then I realized it was June 20 and all of those things seemed so far and I needed to force myself into a wake up call.
Lows. You know those low lows when you do something fucking stupid and your gut fills with regret and your heart hurts because your pride hurts? Yeah that wasn’t the wake up call I was looking for.
Goals. The good news is when I open myself back up to the universe, things just kind of happen again. Last week I visited temple and I asked for guidance back to the path that will help me grow. Since then I’ve started a 2nd job, working out, and catching glimpses of nature, the universe, and God telling me You Go Girl. I’ve also had friendly reminders to “go back to things you used to love for yourself” — like music and writing. So cheers to the summer solstice, super moon, and back to blogging my thoughts for me. I can’t change anything if I don’t take care of myself first.
Stay foolish, stay hungry, choose happy.
I can think the world is mine for the taking, but really the world took me and I am only here to give back. The more I take, the more I will expect. Stay humble.